So I was walking down the tunnel at the Oval last night and I saw a flyer and standing next to the flyer was a team. It basically said: "Adopt a Hockey Player." No, really. It's an entire team. It came with a phone number so OF COURSE I immediately call them.
ME: "You're getting rid of hockey players?"
Them: "Um. No. We're looking for host homes for the players. They just need their own room, a place to shower and do laundry, and food available for them."
ME: "You mean I can put a hockey team in my basement?"
Them: "Well, at least two, and upwards of four."
ME: "Four WHOLE hockey players?"
Them: "Oh don't worry, we'll compensate you for them."
ME: "Let me get this straight, you'll pay me to keep four hockey players in my house?"
Them: "And just to clarify, you just need to keep the fridge stocked. They eat a lot. But you don't have to actually cook for them."
ME: "So you'd pay me to have a hockey team in my house, and I don't have to cook for them?"
Them: "Nope. And you don't have to worry about driving them anywhere. They'll have their own transportation."
ME: "Oh...my...god. Hang on. I'll call you right back."
ME: "Please please please please please!"
Husband: "I swear if you bring home another animal."
ME: "It's not an animal. No wait...I mean..."
ME: "It's kind of like charity. Where's your heart?! It's almost winter, and they'll be all cold and hungry."
ME: "We can have a minimum of two or up to four. And they come with money to feed them because, apparently, they eat a whole lot. And as long was we provide them with a..."
Husband: "What are they?"
ME: "Hockey players."
*husband hangs up.*
*calls him again*
ME: "Don't hang up on me, I'm not kidding."
Husband: "That's precisely why I hung up on you."
ME: "It's this team. They're all homeless and hungry and sad and LOOK AT THIS ONE, he's adorable. He's got blue eyes and a little pink nose...here I'll text you a picture of him...can we keep him for the next seven months?"
Husband: "Not until you are ninety years old and your boobs drag on the ground and you have to roll them up and tie them around your head like a bonnet."
ME: *ignores him* "Okay, not the cute one. What about this one? He has scars all over and is missing his teeth and one eye. He'll totally scare away my mother. He says he likes steak and potatoes and he'll guard the house for us."
Husband: "Step away from the hockey players and get your ass back in your car and come home."
ME: "There's a Russian one. He doesn't speak any English. Oh listen, he knows the word 'fuck'. Hang on, I'll be right back someone's calling on the other line. Hello?"
Them: "Ma'am, your husband just called us. He says adopting hockey players would violate your city ordinance so we can't allow you to host."
ME: "What city ordinance?"
Them: "Um city ordinance 0112358."
ME: "That's the Fibonacci sequence."
Them: *hangs up*
And that's how I almost had a hockey team in my basement.